the doorbell rang today and i rushed downstairs to answer. as i opened the door a woman was walking away. hello, i called and, looking down, i noticed the flowers she had left, an arrangement in soft pinks and whites, and wanted to call out, i think there’s been some mistake. but she intercepted and when she mentioned my name i realized that this lovely surprise was quite real.

saw a guy today going down lombard on a beach cruiser while carrying a twin mattress on his back. i’m pretty sure he’s dead now

i just noticed that dad’s rose, the blue moon, is starting to bud out today, after i all but killed it last year. i think it might just make it. his other one, the iceberg, or what i thought was an iceberg, is coming in strong too, so much new growth, and all the buds coated in greenfly, which i suppose is good for the ladybirds or something. one of them is so close to flowering and it’s bright pink, which was a bit of a surprise to be honest, because it’s supposed to be white and i thought for a second it might be another case of the mystery rose showing up, but they sometimes do that from what i learned, so i’m giving it the benefit of the doubt. blue and white, just like every god damn shirt he ever owned.

sharon stayed with me last night, slept in, woke up late and rushed to the bathroom as soon as i had returned to bed, ostensibly to cuddle, and laid there for too long as their alarm, presumably to tell them they are late for work, began to sound, and it took me back to the time i had stayed up all night with lizzie, retired disappointingly to selena’s bedroom, slept for a few hours before, creature of habit, having to get up unreasonably early and, not wishing to just sneak out, hung around in the house for hours, an almost certainly bad decision that intensified when her flatmate’s phone, which was in the living room next to me, began to sound its alarm, and i sat paralysed, not knowing what to do, probably not to switch it off, in case it was quite necessary, yet it seemed to continue on for further hours, and if i’d had any sense i would have just run out the door and never looked back, but i didn’t because i was already now too invested in the series of bad decisions, i was fully committed and it would only get worse from there, and how it got worse . . . .

i want to cry every time i hear the intro to camberwick green . . . not the first bit with the slowly intoned xylophone, but the next part with the sound of the key unwinding and the musical box. i don’t know who today would ever think to make such a thing let alone for a child, to make you wait for a full 30 seconds in anticipation while an inanimate object slowly turns on screen. whatever happens next will only disappoint. had my first flute lesson with alison today. nothing was what i expected. find myself stuttering more than usual today but it didn’t seem to be a problem during the lesson, which is a good sign. i don’t know why my brain seems to get stuck on the easy stuff like . . . what’s your name, phone number, would you like a receipt. it’s like i panic, because who could even imagine screwing that one up.

slightly better today as i guess the b12 goes to work. still felt like death this morning. trying to write but i’m not sure why. i have nothing in me. i can’t even make the words make sense anymore. they don’t stick together. not just writing but reading too. i’ll make the sounds in my head but the meaning just won’t come. what are you supposed to do with that? walked to the nursery at noon again in the full sun, no hat. maybe i wanted to burn a little. had lunch at por que non? with my dalmatian campanula. was a darn sight better company than most. finished flow (2024) in the bath which i suppose is appropriate.

feeding myself today like a sick dog, chicken, rice, sweet potato. i noticed that the monarda had sprung right back….conversely the daphne is wilting in protest, having been forcefully removed from the earth, transplanted. hope she picks up. did my usual walk/run round by 71st. almost stopped to admire some curious blue flower, but i think it may have been aquilegia. had girl dinner consisting of stale crackers, hummus, fava beans. watched some more of flow and it’s stressing me out. can we not have to worry constantly about survival for even 5 minutes. more successfully ignored today the persistent feeling that i am dying, though makes me think i should prepare for that eventuality anyway. i don’t even have a will. can’t even decide who i want to take care of. it’s all of them i guess.

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