why do i only want to write when my brain can’t even remember what words mean anymore . . . forcing myself to get this out now, it is hard to feel even on good days that i am not in some way at the end of my life . . . there’s nothing left now, just wrapping up . . . i don’t know why ben’s message left me feeling like shit but it did and that got him blocked and deleted. there’s been a lot of that recently. should i be concerned? ever smaller circles. at least there are still a few good ones willing to stick around but i do not know where any of this is going. just feels like oblivion. probably doesn’t help that i recently took a voyage into the abyss, which is to say starve my brain of cobalamin, which in retrospect probably explains all the posts about feeling nothing, blank, words not making sense anymore. and i guess i’m feeling better now, but i don’t think i survived fully intact. got a taste for it and i want to go violently into that good night. and though i’m feeling better, i haven’t woken up to a brighter future, or any future at all. it’s just a huge blank. i’ve lost so much in the last five years, they stripped back so many layers and now it’s plain that there’s nothing there. the only thing that makes me want to keep going is the garden. good job it’s a big project i guess. or that they say you’re never finished. i just wish there was someone i could have materially depended on all this time but it’s just been me. other people depend on me and i’ve nothing left to give now. no one is going to carry me. they took my team away from me, the one that i’ve spent the last five years trying to shape, trying to make it a safe environment for the amazing women i work with to thrive, the only women-majority team i’ve ever worked on, and they just took me off it while i was on leave without even telling me. i’m so done.
eol