here we go again, round and round, a fresh batch unleashed by the big brain magnet, of dead fathers and former lovers, what else, and i swear i’ve written all these words before, but i could have sworn i felt settled about you even for a long time now, have not even felt when i’m writing that i’m talking to you directly anymore, on some other bullshit, but apparently the answer is no, there is still more, and all the same feelings reanimated, the feeling of intimacy, that no one has ever felt closer, that you accessed a secret part of my brain that no one has ever seen before or since, made me believe that i shared it with you, and how can you not know that we were there in dreamspace, impossible, or you do and this is my punishment, your silence, forever and ever, and the thing that i’m supposed to learn this time is, as unlikely as it seems, that you brought your friend with you, i do not know her, although she is you also, and i don’t recognise her, i’ve compartmentalised you, one part same brain, one part aloof, i don’t know, hypersexual, hello kitty inception, and i still have your book, though i guess i was never going to top little women, and the realisation once again, the shame, that i think you were afraid of me, and i wish i could go back and undo everything that might have made that so, wish i had never, charlie xoxo
sorry