another awful day after a night of no sleep after an evening of stabbing pains . . . it occurred to me at some point when i just couldn’t account for how bad i was feeling that maybe it could be time to go back to tms, though i’m unclear on whether i’d get medical leave for that and for how long . . . i just don’t understand my mental health anymore . . . i envy people who figured out how to stop their negative self talk and that was it for them, because i also did that and yet there’s so many other layers to it all, it’s like i slayed that part of my personality but instead of reaping any benefit i have to go on living as a ghost in their depressed world, i almost don’t notice it anymore, it’s just part of the background, that i’ve accepted that i don’t have any ambitions or goals or hopes, feel doomed all the time and have absolutely no executive function ever, just cannot do anything . . . is it going to be like this forever . . . i don’t think tms even fixed any of those things to be honest but i need to do something . . . the only other idea i have right now is bupropion which gave me some executive function back, but came at the cost of even more wrecked sleep, low level anxiety all the time, the disorienting feeling of always being stuck in a terrifying loop and yet wanting to stay there, and feeling like i might pass out or die, or have a panic attack, or actually have a panic attack . . . i guess i could also try psilocybin again but i’m also terrified of that now too with my declining physical health . . . maybe it’s a good time to find a new therapist while i still have some enthusiasm for that. i have no regrets about dawn. i just felt in the end that neither one of us believed she was helping me, or that she had grown to resent me. how quick she was to say goodbye to all that . . . she almost seemed relieved. but part of that conviction was that i must try something new, and i have to see that through while i still can i guess . . . .
tms