three times people have asked me today, how are you, and each time i look inside myself and i just truly do not fucking know . . . how do people know? i think maybe they might have a story about themselves that they tell themselves and others to try to make sense of who they are, but i seem to have lost the plot . . . i’ve no vision of the future, just a blank nothing person . . . or maybe i would say something if the story was more acceptable . . . the thing i can’t make sense of right now is why katya is the person i text more than anyone else, and if there is something i want to broadcast she is the always the first person i think of, even above my own partner, and i don’t know what that means. i don’t know how to talk to my partner via text i guess. it just doesn’t flow and maybe that’s fine. texting is not something i particularly value. and on the other hand katya is a dear friend. i just feel like we are kids and i want to talk her ear off. why then do i keep overstepping the bounds of what is appropriate? i think that maybe that’s just who i am and i’m comfortable around her. and i curse the people in my life who have made me feel suspicious or doubtful towards my relationships with women. but the thought keeps nagging and it is troubling me. it has shaken my whole self image to the point where i don’t know who i am anymore . . . .
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