. . . . in which i am recommending to doug a bbc documentary that emma mentioned. it is about a heartthrob european hamster surgeon. as i am looking into it some more, i realize that emma is presenting the documentary, or she has made her own fan follow up. the hamsters are strange creatures with sloping foreheads and long snouts, like a pangolin, about the size of a possum. i later find myself in the super market and emma is there with her partner. i can barely hold myself up and drape myself over my trolley. i marvel by contrast how competent she seems, how in love, and i feel a sense of acceptance come over me as i remain almost paralyzed, hoping she has not seen me in this state . . . .
heartthrob